I came across some good and interesting research on healthy marriages.
http://www.intropsych.com/ch16_sfl/four_horsemen.html
The author writes that there are four strong predictors for failed marriages. They are:
1) Criticism – telling the other person his or her faults.
2) Defensiveness – denying responsibility to certain subjects, or refusing to discuss issues the spouse regards as important.
3) Contempt – making sarcastic or cutting remarks about the other person.
4) Withdrawal – Also called “stonewalling”: showing no reaction, having a blank look, or ceasing to care.

Of the four, contempt is the strongest predictor for divorce.

The author also writes that there is one strong predictor for successful marriages. It is when the man is willing to be influenced by his wife.

Criticism and defensiveness go together of course. Criticism creates defensiveness. This is a communication issue. “Don’t condemn, complain or criticize.” We’ve known this since the beginning of human time. We even give this behavior a special name in our culture. We call this “being bitchy” and it is always destructive in relationships. A lot of relationship issues can be cleared up if spouses learned to address criticism better.

Contempt and withdrawal go together also. Again, “don’t condemn, complain or criticize.”

One of the main issues in a marriage is how to address positive change. Perhaps the spouses need a common direction or goal and common expectations. That way the spouses can focus on staying positive.

One reason a spouse complains a lot or has contempt for the other is that the other spouse does a lot destructive things. The contemptuous spouse doesn’t know how to change the destructive behavior of the other. They believe that complaining at the other spouse will create a change in them. Really, all complaining does is to create contempt in the other.

Why is it that a man’s willingness to be influenced by the wife is a predictor for a successful marriage? The man is willing to be influenced because he respects his wife. A respectful man doesn’t have contempt for his wife.

One of the issues is how to address the spouses destructive behaviors when those behaviors are deeply ingrained in the person and neurotic and impulsive. Some destructive behaviors can be addressed through education, such as learning to not complain a lot. But some behaviors such as substance abuse need a little more effort to address them.

Stumble it!